5 Must-Know Truths That Help You Heal After a Breakup

1. Keep your mind clear and relaxed

Breakups are stressful af. You’re dealing with a lot of complicated feelings that take time to work though, so the last thing you need is more mental clutter. It’s common to ruminate or have racing thoughts when you’re going through it. Working through the feelings of the breakup will take time, but you can do yourself a big favor now by not throwing more things on to the pile. Take care of your mind like you would a fresh wound.

Rumination and racing thoughts are how your mind tries to understand and process what happened - and it’s VERY hard to be mindful when you’re already on edge, frustrated, and overwhelmed. To be frank, this is what stops a lot of people from moving on, because you can’t make peace with something that’s going 1000 miles an hour in your mind

Next time you notice your mind racing, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Do you feel peaceful or free, or do you feel heavy and drained? I’d bet it’s probably the second one. Find ways to redirect and quiet your mind, and don’t engage with the spiral. Find what works for you- that could be meditating, journaling, spending time in nature, turning off your notifications, or declining social events that you don’t really want to go to. Whatever you do- be kind to yourself. If it makes you feel more stressed or overwhelmed, it's okay to step away. Now isn’t the time.

They are in the past, you are in the present, paving the way for your future. Being content and present in the here and now is the stepping stone into moving on and moving past that chapter.

Rumination without any kind of checks or boundaries only serves to keep memories that hurt you close to you, without any resolution. This is why keeping your mind clear is the first step I’m mentioning here.

2. Be intentional about who you spend your time with

Getting out of a bad relationship is hard on a lot of levels, and your energetic boundaries are more fragile. You need people who you feel good letting in, who boost you, and don’t bring you down. That means being around people who:

• See the best in you

• Support you

• You feel safe around

• Listen to you without judgment

• Don’t expect anything in return for showing up

• Make you feel seen and accepted

Treat your post-breakup social circle the way you would treat your home if your front door was broken- the last thing you want is to be surrounded by people who would happily enter and take. You want people who will help you to rebuild, not leave another mess.

This goes beyond just needing good energy around you. A bad breakup, or any kind of extended contact with someone who didn’t treat you right wears you down. When someone who claims to love you treats you badly, it distorts how you see yourself. It’s confusing and psychologically unsafe. You might take responsibility for things they did instead of demanding accountability in order to keep the peace.

Being surrounded by people who love you breaks those patterns and rewrites the bad narrative your ex left you with. Being around people who consistently show up and care, and regard in time will help heal those wounds. When your emotional defenses are weaker, it’s vital that you are intentional about who you let near you.

Cut out people who put you down. The patterns you have in your romantic relationships are often repeats of patterns in your friendships, so don’t be afraid to put down the line. This is how you tell the world what you want and deserve, and unlearn accepting less.

3. Remember that you are not them

You aren’t responsible for their actions, they are. Their actions reflect on them, not you. This is your call to stop taking on shame or being embarrassed for something that someone else did. Your worth or value does not change because you loved or cared about someone who does shitty things.

It’s totally fair to not want to be associated with them, but the nice thing about a breakup is that you aren’t anymore. You’re free. You’re not their girlfriend or boyfriend.

You are a separate and independent person who is not connected to, or responsible for anything they do or don’t so stop letting whatever they do get into your energetic bubble.

Let go of that. Practice thought stopping or cord cutting if it feels right (visualizing yourself releasing their energy can help). This is your story, and it is not your responsibility to take on their stuff. You can’t control who they are or how they grow after the breakup so stop twisting yourself into a pretzel trying to figure out what their actions say about you. Relationships can reveal lessons and patterns, but that’s your personal story to work through. This is about your growth, your learning, and your future. Not them.

4. It ended because it wasn’t working

I think when things go bad, or stop working we first blame ourselves because it gives us a sense of control. It takes away the uncertainty when everything else feels ungrounded. It almost seems like we are bargaining for what we could have done better, even if just to save ourselves from the pain of losing them.

Uncertainty and upheaval happens when things aren't working, not when they are smooth and lovely.

Maybe the emotional responsibility fell squarely on your shoulders and you felt like you should have done more to hold on (this does not work, ever). Maybe your ex became cold because they didn’t know how to handle emotional intensity. Maybe they only had bad examples of relationships and that’s the pattern they are repeating. Maybe you got overwhelmed and withdrew and now you feel guilty about it. A relationship that falls squarely on you is not working.

Think back to someone you had a smooth or easy relationship with. They probably didn’t provoke all of these hard emotions that you’re dealing with now- because those emotions come up for something that wasn’t working. It hurts because you are dealing with a loss and its a big adjustment and of course that provokes strong feelings- but don’t mistake those feelings to mean you messed something up or that the relationship was even worth saving.

Sometimes the universe takes away things that weren’t working for our own good. As best as you can, be grateful it ended. When you’re more removed from the breakup and you’ve had time to heal the things that weren’t working will be more clear.

Imagine your best friend in your last relationship. Would you want him or her to stay? Would you encourage them to keep trying, or would you remind them there is something better out there

5. You are on the edge of something amazing, but you have to go get it

Endings are requisite to new beginnings, but it rarely feels celebratory because you have only seen the loss, not what you have to gain. You have a new, empty, and clear space for you to do whatever you want with it. If you read this far its because you’ve been thinking about that person a lot - now imagine what you can do if you took all of that energy and use it as fuel for what you really want. This is that moment.

We get stuck on exes because even if it wasn’t working, it was a time where there was certainty. You had a connection to someone. It felt nice to be seen. Relationships can feel larger than life and we romanticize the past because its not something we have to actually deal with. We (wrongly) convince ourselves that our ex is a better, more capable, or loving person than they really are and we put ourselves down for not measuring up.

To idealize something, you have to project your desires onto it, and that’s what’s hard.. The things you wish you had with them aren’t about them. Those are really your deep desires that are up to you to go get.

You were attracted to your ex because they had qualities that you found attractive, but they are not the gatekeeper to those things that you want. They simply gave you a glimpse of what you truly want, and now it’s your turn to create it.

Things you care about elicit an emotional reaction. If you hate seeing their amazing vacation, then maybe this is your call to get more adventure in your life. If seeing their new partner gives you the yuck, maybe what you really want is to feel more desired. Whatever it was they represented to you, whether that be success, freedom, confidence- whatever it is, this is your sign to infuse that into the blank space that you have now.

Overcoming those hard feelings comes from unapologetically going after what you want and being content in yourself. Big shakeups require big action. Don’t let all that emotional energy go to waste beating yourself up. Put it to work for you. Now your task is to take this empty space and intentionally fill it with everything you know you want without answering to anyone else.

Your relationship ended, and the new chapter is just starting- one where you are the star of the show. Keep your mind clear, surround yourself with good people, be thankful that you’re out of a situation that isn't working anymore and relish the open space you have in front of you. Your ex was just a pit stop on your bigger journey, and I can’t wait to see where moving on takes you.

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Welcome to Killing Cupid!

Hi, I’m Nadia. I’m a former therapist and I’m passionate about harnessing the power of heartbreak into something incredible. Wherever you are in the healing journey, whether its been 2 days or two years there is something better waiting for you on the other side.

Moving on isn't a linear process. I made a free 3 part guide to stop thinking about your ex so you can stop idealizing them, get clarity on what happened, and set the stage for creating connections that you love.

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