Moving On: How to Deal When Your Ex Treats Their New Partner Better

You did everything you could for them. You were the best partner you could be. You were caring, loving, and understanding, but they didn’t give you the love and treatment you deserved- so it's a slap in the face to see the person you did so much more, doing a lot for someone else. This doesn't mean they've changed, that their new partner is "better" than you, or that what you're seeing is even objectively better.

They’re Still the Same Person—Don’t Believe the Hype

Highlight reels ≠ reality

Speaking as a former therapist and current breakup coach who has helped hundreds of people make lasting change, I’m here to tell you that looking happy on an Instagram story or smiling together at brunch is not proof of a healthy, changed relationship. I can’t tell you how many clients have come to me convinced their ex suddenly became Prince Charming overnight for someone else, but a quick peek behind the curtain often tells a different story.

Most people don’t do the long, uncomfortable work required to change just because they met someone new (in fact, meeting someone new who doesn’t know them deeply can make it easier to avoid doing the deep work). Real change takes time, introspection, motivation and dedication. They might look happier, and it might look like they are treating them better, but that’s almost never the whole story.

What you see outward is only a tiny little slice of what’s really going on. Think back to the time you spent with them. People around you may have thought you were happy when you really weren’t. You might have even thought you were happy when that wasn’t the case. You’re not seeing hard times, emptiness, arguments, or jealousy…. It’s a lot easier to project an image of a happy relationship, than it is to actually do the hard work to make it so.

Ask yourself seriously: What are some things that you put up with that nobody knew about?

It’s also not uncommon for people to project an image of the perfect relationship after having one fail. Yes, sometimes they do it to rub it in your face or make you feel like you’ve lost something, but sometimes they’re just trying to protect their own ego. Comparison is the thief of joy, especially when you don’t even have a clear picture of what you’re comparing yourself to.

Case in point: Breaking up with the social media star 💫

I had a client who dated a guy who was somewhat famous on Instagram. She wasn’t famous, and didn’t want to be. She was content to be a happy, albeit unknown person. He didn’t introduce her to his friends, post pictures of them together, and never wanted to commit to a relationship despite dating exclusively for more than 9 months. She always felt like he was holding off for someone better, prettier, or more famous than her. Eventually she got fed up and broke it off.

Not more than two months later, he was posting tons of pictures of him and his new girlfriend together. She was pretty, and she was Instagram famous. It confirmed all of the doubts and the insecurities that she had. He was happy and committed to someone he barely knew, when he wouldn’t do the same for her.

Fast forward a few months, and she ran into them together at a party. When she met the girl in person, it was clear that she didn’t give a damn about him and was just enjoying the attention. A few months after that encounter she got a text message apologizing for how he treated her. He said that his last relationship ended badly, she was always good to him and now he realized that the way he acted was unfair.

My point is, don’t believe everything you see. He looked like he was on top of the world, but a quick peek behind the digital curtain to see that wasn’t the case. Her automatic assumption was that his behavior meant she wasn’t good enough, but in reality it was proof that he wasn't ready for the kind of deep connection she needed.

Sure he looked happy on social media, but that sure as heck didn’t mean his life was better without her in it. Which leads me to my next point…

A Better Match Doesn’t Mean They Have Something Better

Compatible Isn’t the Same as Happy and Healthy

If your ex seems more compatible or happier with someone else, that might just mean that their new partner is willing to tolerate or accept things that you weren’t. They might be willing to participate in a dynamic that you refused to engage in. Maybe you didn't work out because you wanted more commitment, more honesty, or more connection and their new partner doesn't want to push to ask for more. Maybe their new partner is just meeting at the level they’re at- and that’s a place you’ve outgrown and moved on from. That's not better, and not a loss IMO.

Our partners are a mirror of where we are at emotionally. Their new partner being a better match for their current level doesn’t mean you lost out or you didn't do something right. We can all agree that seeing your ex with someone else brings up a lot of feelings- but you know deep inside that you could never be happy in that situation.

Breakups happen when there are problems that can’t be solved and the relationship isn’t working, and they have to offer doesn't work for you. You may have given everything that you can to appease them, to show love, to help them, and be the best you could- but that doesn’t mean they were able to be the partner that you needed them to be. Their new partner might not need as much of them, and you walking away from that situation is a testament to your own self love. I think that's something to celebrate, not beat yourself up over.

Looking back at the breakup with the social media star, my client was devastated to see her ex looking like he got everything he wanted right after they broke up. In reality, the things he was happy about were the things she couldn't stand. She wanted something deep, and he wanted someone he could show off on Instagram. Yes, he and his new partner seemed more compatible, but that doesn’t mean it’s something good.

Going through a breakup means coping with loss and change. Seeing them looking happy can be trigger the 'what-ifs' and our hopes for what could be, but you already know what was possible for you and that's why you left. Don't let someone else's definition of happiness take away yours.

Think back to the reasons that you broke up. What would you have to do differently or give up to make the relationship sustainable?

• Self-respect

• Your need for commitment

• Emotional safety

• Being seen

Would it have been worth it? True to yourself? Would you be happy?

You don’t want to meet your ex where they are. You want to move on, more forward, and move up so you have to let go of them to make room for something better. When you are still going through the breakup you haven’t seen what you have to gain yet, because you are still working through the loss. Let their relationship be a reminder of how far you’ve come.

Envy is Energy: Use It to Raise Your Standards, Not beat yourself up

If you see your ex giving more to their new partner and it makes you feel some kind of way, those things mean something to you. This is usually the turning point in my coaching sessions — when my client realizes that the thing they’re jealous of is what they’re being called to start demanding more of. Those feelings are triggered when someone has something you want, or you wished you had. Now that you are single and can ask for anything you want, it’s time to go after that.

For my client, seeing her ex posting pictures of him and his new girlfriend right away was a total slap in the face because she asked him to make it official several times but he never wanted to. The new girl was good enough to show off, but she wasn’t so she had to be hidden away. It was like his feed was curated just to feed her insecurities.

She accepted his half commitments and deflections for a long time in order to be with him. Seeing them together was a slap in the face not because he is the arbiter of her worth, but because it reminded her of what she denied herself.

For my client, instead of asking, “Why does she get what I wanted?”, the questions became, “Why didn’t I leave when I knew I wasn’t getting what I wanted? What commitments do I expect and what boundaries do I need to set?”. This isn’t about blaming yourself for staying, it’s about reclaiming your power to use this experience to start getting what you really want.

If seeing them together triggers those feelings, here is a framework to turn that around:

1) Name it

“I hate that he’s showing her off like he never did for me.”

2) Put in writing what you want or need:

I need to know my partner is excited to be with me because he/she is happy to let others know we are together.
I need full certainty of his commitment to our relationship

3) Turn that into a standard or boundary

In my next relationship, my partner must be 100% clear about wanting to be with me and is happy to make me a part of his life. I am going to be upfront with people I date that I want something serious and I am not looking for a situationship.

4) Set limits and expectations for that behavior

If after two months of dating I haven’t met all their friends and/or they won’t give me a definitive commitment, I won’t try to “make it better”, I will walk away and be true to myself.

I know it hurts to see them together, but instead of focusing on them this is an opportunity to get really crystal clear on what you want. My client didn’t realize how important a committed relationship was to her at the time, but now she leads with that expectation because she’s seen how important it is. If her new partner isn’t excited about bringing her into his life, she leaves. The universe can’t give you what you don’t ask for. Simple as that.

If you’re reading this and you're feeling that sting and the voice in your mind is saying,“I’m not doing this with another person again” — that’s the moment when I see my clients make their biggest breakthroughs because they’re finally ready for something different.

I work with clients who are committed to making this breakup the moment everything changes. If you want to understand why you stayed, what you’ve been tolerating, and how to finally raise your standards so this pattern ends here, I’d love to support you through that work.

Walking away once you’re already attached is a lot harder than setting limits and expectations from the start. Whatever feelings you have about seeing your ex with their new partner mean something to you- and that doesn’t have anything to do with them. Instead of comparing yourself, use that as a call from the universe to go get what’s important to you.

You are 50% of your relationship and you have the right to demand to be treated well and with respect. Emotions are energy, don’t waste that on envy for someone who you don’t even want to be compatible with.

Welcome to Killing Cupid!

Hi, I’m Nadia. I’m a former therapist and I’m passionate about harnessing the power of heartbreak into something incredible. Wherever you are in the healing journey, whether its been 2 days or two years or you're over them and are ready to get more, there is something better waiting for you on the other side.

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